A smile stretched across my face. It has been there ever since.
Why are you smiling? I can see the glances and the judgement coming from those who don't know. A joy has crept up inside me that I could never have imagined. I have blinding moments of gratefulness and I wonder why was I so lost before? Why could I not just listen? But it doesn't matter anymore. He has given me this joy that I cannot control or explain. It is beautiful. At last, I feel like I have fallen in love like I should have. I could say before "Oh, yes. I love Him. With all my heart." But it wasn't true. i didn't know what it meant to love Him like this. He is my everything. He is why I wake up in the morning. No, He wakes me up in the morning. He wakes me up from the mourning.
There are moments when I am overcome by the grief of what I have lost. No more are the conversations of a white dress, and receptions. No more talk of little ones. No more talk of growing old. Not yet, anyway. Not the way I planned. Not with him. And it is heartbreaking. And it is lonely. And I am learning. I am learning what it will truly take to possess my heart. Your heart must be possessed by the Savior I love. Love Him more than me. Treasure Him more than me. The realization dawned that I have been told that you loved Him more than me, more than life, but that I have not seen that you love Him more than me, more than life. And I know that I will be okay. I have this joy.
Then there are moments when I am overcome by the possibilities. For the first time in so long I have stopped and prayed: What are the desires of my heart, Lord? And I have truly been able to explore that without halting my mind when it strayed away from him. I know now that my heart was not meant to stop there.
When dreams I did not realize I possessed take root in my heart and I allow them to thrive. I have options. I have choices. I have decisions to make without an influence from outside.
I have Saturday mornings to wake up and drink coffee and be alone with my Savior. My Lord meets me when I seek Him. Now I take that time, knowing that it is worth more than any plan or dream I had convinced myself would define my life. I spend those mornings rejoicing in His word and being overcome with love and gratitude for my relationship with Him. I can speak with my God without fear that He will show me something that cracks my little glass house.
I was afraid to here what I knew He wanted. I did not think I could do life without him. I was comfortable with the existence I had created for myself in isolation from my family, friends, and Savior.
I was afraid to listen because I didn't want to hear what I knew He would tell me. I bargained. We'll read the Bible together, pray together. It will be okay. But It was never okay.
Because God does not want just "okay" for my life and love.
I chose to shatter my neat and tidy life in favor of obedience to the One who made me.
I smile because my whole world tumbled down.
I smile because even though I'm dirty and broken in the ruins, I am held by the most tender and loving Savior and He's whispering: "Obedience to Me is never failure. Well done. my child."
