I fully acknowledge that I am in the "overly dramatic-how will i survive-what do i do now-will i ever love again" portion of the break up. So excuse my extremely dramatic take on life. At least I recognize it, right?
I want to know how I'm supposed to be ok with trusting someone again? This feeling, yeah. I never want to feel like this again. Hopeless, worthless, what-did-i-do-wrong?
You know, you must, the unfair thing about relationships is how you have to put your faith in a person. One person can decide it's over when the other is still all in. You see, I wasn't done. I was still in it. I was still more than willing to be patient and work through the situation that faced us.
And the truth is, neither one of us messed up. Neither one of us did anything wrong. The outside circumstances determined the fate of our relationship. Really, maybe that's not true. There was an unwillingness to fight. An unwillingness to share feelings and burdens. A total shutdown on his part. But I honestly can't blame him. I'm trying not to blame him. Because he didn't choose this either. He didn't choose the situation and would do anything to change it.
The worst part, I know, must be that my head has realized that this is God's hand. His way of protecting my heart by ending this sooner rather than later. There were things that would have had to change to make it work in the long run. And God is whispering to me "Daughter, precious child, trust me. He isn't who I have for you. It was not my intention." And my heart grieves because I gave it too soon to him. I fell too fast. I trusted entirely in my emotion and overwhelming infatuation with this man. And he was wonderful. He is, still. He is smart, driven, handsome, kind, funny... and I could continue, but I'm going to spare myself (and you.) So my insecurity flares up and screams "There will never be anyone else as good as him. No one as handsome, no one you are as attracted to, no one who makes you laugh, no one who is driven, and smart, and funny." I find myself panicking, thinking that this was my chance and the next one won't be as appealing.
BUT.
....
But, but. There has to be a but.
I am choosing to trust in my God. Who is bigger than me. Who sees the future. Who knows the plan. And trusting that he wouldn't give me something wonderful, rip it away, and replace it with something less than. My God does not want "less than" for me. The man I will marry will be all these things and more. He will be passionate, and kind, and he will love Jesus more than life itself. He will lead me, he will protect me. He will listen to me. He will need me, and he will want me. He will fight. He will not, under any circumstances, allow me or himself to walk away just because things are hard.
Know why?
Because I deserve it.
