Hmm. Where do I even start.
This last semester has been a whirlwind, and here we are in the throes of a new one.
I keep this blog mostly for my own word vomit so that I can get it out periodically.
I suppose I should note that I've struggled, mightily I might add, these last 6 months or so.
But the point is I fought. And I'm by no means through it all, but I'm getting there.
I've struggled with body image and an eating disorder (which I fear will be part of me forever.) Very few people know how hard I've fought this one, but it's my struggle to share or not share.
I've taken down mirrors, cried, screamed, pleaded with God, written Bible verses everywhere. But it isn't always that easy. So, here I am. Getting better. Getting to know my body. Eating well. Screwing up often. But that's ok.
Recently, I thought I was taking a lot of steps backward. I texted a friend and told him what I was dealing with and he simply said: "You're better than this. Someday you're going to realize that."
I cried.
Ugly tears.
I argued with him that maybe he really didn't know me all that well. And he replied with "One day you're going to see yourself like I see you."
And then, I stopped.
I whispered a prayer, rather than screaming at God. And I realized.
I'm better than this.
This isn't me.
I do not. I will not pine after something that will not serve me better in the end. I will trust my Savior and I will ask Him for the desires of my heart.
I was at my favorite coffee shop, watching an employee pour cream into a cup of coffee. I watched as the cream slid down the cup, slowly feeling its way into the coffee. And I thought, I want to be like that. I don't want to be in such a rush. Isn't it beautiful how the cream slinks so slowly, getting to know each ounce of the liquid it is mixing with? Isn't it lovely how, after all is said and done, they are both changed? And they're both better. More complete.
Lord, let me be cream. Let me take my time and truly allow myself to know and enjoy my relationships. In the end Lord, let us both be changed.
