Whirlwind: Confessions of a Narcissistic Period

Y'all. Sometimes life is hard.
NEWSFLASH! I'm sure you had no idea. Haha!
I'm still dealing with all this. All that has happened in the last few months seems so insignificant, yet it changed everything.

I was in a less than stellar place for quite a while. I'm not entirely out of it, but it has gotten much better.

You see, being broken up with, no matter what the reason, WRECKS your confidence. I forgot that I'm more than the size of my clothes and the cellulite on my thighs. I forgot that my dreams and ideas and (most of all) my relationship with my Father define me. Not how I look in a dress, not if my thighs touch. Not if my tummy has grown a little. I forgot that what makes up me has absolutely nothing to do with the way a random passerby might perceive me. Whoa. Newsflash (#2!): the world ain't about you, girly. All those people whose opinions you obsess over have their own lives. And guess what! They probably didn't even notice you, much less that your legs aren't perfect.

Breathe.

That's... a relief. I can't tell you how preoccupied I've been with that.
Hello! Can you say narcissistic, Ash?!

Here's the deal, I want someone (not just anyone) to fall in love with how in love I am with Jesus. How shallow would a relationship be that was based upon a boy's admiration of the way I look. A Few pounds will come and go, I'll get wrinkles, I'll get older, and by default, less physically attractive.
I want a man who falls in love with the Joy of Christ that is within me. The love of the Father that I try (and often, so often, fail) to emulate. I want a man to see a light in me that has absolutely nothing to do with my thighs! Wow, it took me that long to realize this?

I'm not going to lie, I have rough days. I have facebook stalking days. I have days where I cry. I have days where I am completely consumed by how much I hate my body that it is crippling. I Have days where I obsess over what he is doing and does he miss me and how will I ever be ok after this?

But then I have days where I remember to pray. I remember to whisper a  prayer for the passing person, rather than wonder what they think of me. I have days where I see just how much this world is hurting and wish desperately that I could help it. So, I pray. And I pray again. And I listen to some Tenth Avenue North (sidenote: LOVE) and I remember that I am more than than the choices that I've made and more than the sum of my past mistakes. That I have been remade!

And when I feel my most unlovable, and worthless, and like I will never measure up, I remember that Jesus died for me.

He died for me.

He died for me.

He died for me.

I was worth everything to Him.
How dare I think that I'm not worth anything.

A Heartbreak = A Blog

At 21 years old, I experienced my first heartbreak. I got a phone call that left me reeling and crushed me. How did this happen?

I fully acknowledge that I am in the "overly dramatic-how will i survive-what do i do now-will i ever love again" portion of the break up. So excuse my extremely dramatic take on life. At least I recognize it, right?

I want to know how I'm supposed to be ok with trusting someone again? This feeling, yeah. I never want to feel like this again. Hopeless, worthless, what-did-i-do-wrong?

You know, you must, the unfair thing about relationships is how you have to put your faith in a person. One person can decide it's over when the other is still all in. You see, I wasn't done. I was still in it. I was still more than willing to be patient and work through the situation that faced us.

And the truth is, neither one of us messed up. Neither one of us did anything wrong. The outside circumstances determined the fate of our relationship. Really, maybe that's not true. There was an unwillingness to fight. An unwillingness to share feelings and burdens. A total shutdown on his part. But I honestly can't blame him. I'm trying not to blame him. Because he didn't choose this either. He didn't choose the situation and would do anything to change it.

The worst part, I know, must be that my head has realized that this is God's hand. His way of protecting my heart by ending this sooner rather than later. There were things that would have had to change to make it work in the long run. And God is whispering to me "Daughter, precious child, trust me. He isn't who I have for you. It was not my intention." And my heart grieves because I gave it too soon to him. I fell too fast. I trusted entirely in my emotion and overwhelming infatuation with this man. And he was wonderful. He is, still. He is smart, driven, handsome, kind, funny... and I could continue, but I'm going to spare myself (and you.) So my insecurity flares up and screams "There will never be anyone else as good as him. No one as handsome, no one you are as attracted to, no one who makes you laugh, no one who is driven, and smart, and funny." I find myself panicking, thinking that this was my chance and the next one won't be as appealing.

BUT.

....

But, but. There has to be a but.

I am choosing to trust in my God. Who is bigger than me. Who sees the future. Who knows the plan. And trusting that he wouldn't give me something wonderful, rip it away, and replace it with something less than. My God does not want "less than" for me. The man I will marry will be all these things and more. He will be passionate, and kind, and he will love Jesus more than life itself. He will lead me, he will protect me. He will listen to me. He will need me, and he will want me. He will fight. He will not, under any circumstances, allow me or himself to walk away just because things are hard.

Know why?

Because I deserve it. 

What's What

So, I am not really certain what direction I want this blog to take yet! I haven't shared it with anyone I know. Mostly because I'm fairly new to this and don't quite know what I want to do yet.

I'm a 20 year old college student who will be transferring universities in the spring. I'm from Texas, ended up at school in Alabama, and am ready to go home.

I've been a Christian my whole life, but recently, I've decided to wholeheartedly follow Jesus. I want God to be my ultimate leader and my everything. It's really hard to give up that control, but so worth it!

I am more in love with my Savior than ever. I believe that comes from direct obedience to what I hear God saying to me! It's such a beautiful relationship that I'm just beginning to grasp the magnitude of.

I'm single for the first time since I was 16, and I am so enjoying the freedom that comes with that. I feel completely able to make the choices that I think are best for me. When I fall in love again, I want that man to fall in love with Jesus inside of me more than anything. I want to know hat he loves the Lord more than he loves me.

This all has been and will continue to be a learning process, and I want to document the ups and downs of it all!

Love,
Ashlynn

An Odd Introduction

A smile stretched across my face. It has been there ever since.

Why are you smiling? I can see the glances and the judgement coming from those who don't know. A joy has crept up inside me that I could never have imagined. I have blinding moments of gratefulness and I wonder why was I so lost before? Why could I not just listen? But it doesn't matter anymore. He has given me this joy that I cannot control or explain. It is beautiful. At last, I feel like I have fallen in love like I should have. I could say before "Oh, yes. I love Him. With all my heart." But it wasn't true. i didn't know what it meant to love Him like this. He is my everything. He is why I wake up in the morning. No, He wakes me up in the morning. He wakes me up from the mourning.

There are moments when I am overcome by the grief of what I have lost. No more are the conversations of a white dress, and receptions. No more talk of little ones. No more talk of growing old. Not yet, anyway. Not the way I planned. Not with him. And it is heartbreaking. And it is lonely. And I am learning. I am learning what it will truly take to possess my heart. Your heart must be possessed by the Savior I love. Love Him more than me. Treasure Him more than me. The realization dawned that I have been told that you loved Him more than me, more than life, but that I have not seen that you love Him more than me, more than life. And I know that I will be okay. I have this joy.

Then there are moments when I am overcome by the possibilities. For the first time in so long I have stopped and prayed: What are the desires of my heart, Lord? And I have truly been able to explore that without halting my mind when it strayed away from him. I know now that my heart was not meant to stop there.

When dreams I did not realize I possessed take root in my heart and I allow them to thrive. I have options. I have choices. I have decisions to make without an influence from outside.

I have Saturday mornings to wake up and drink coffee and be alone with my Savior. My Lord meets me when I seek Him. Now I take that time, knowing that it is worth more than any plan or dream I had convinced myself would define my life. I spend those mornings rejoicing in His word and being overcome with love and gratitude for my relationship with Him. I can speak with my God without fear that He will show me something that cracks my little glass house.

I was afraid to here what I knew He wanted. I did not think I could do life without him. I was comfortable with the existence I had created for myself in isolation from my family, friends, and Savior.
I was afraid to listen because I didn't want to hear what I knew He would tell me. I bargained. We'll read the Bible together, pray together. It will be okay. But It was never okay.

Because God does not want just "okay" for my life and love.

I chose to shatter my neat and tidy life in favor of obedience to the One who made me.

I smile because my whole world tumbled down.

I smile because even though I'm dirty and broken in the ruins, I am held by the most tender and loving Savior and He's whispering: "Obedience to Me is never failure. Well done. my child."